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April 2005 Archives

We'll Miss You!
April 28, 2005 | permalink

Surfer Grrl, one of my dearest friends and most valued of colleagues, is leaving the Big Apple behind next month to pursue her graduate degree at UNC. She is throwing herself a party on Saturday, and I leave for Charleston on Sunday, so that's it- Saturday is our last hurrah.

I met her in '99, while I was on staff at one of the larger not-for-profit theatres in the city. I was looking for a full time assistant, and my now ex-wife introduced us. I confess it was a rocky start- the crew was resentful that I had brought in an 'outsider' (nevermind that none of them wanted the job!), and as dumb luck would have it the first season was the most mentally and physically challenging three months I think I have ever had. she crumbled under the pressure, and I came really close to firing her. But we got past all the crap from that terrible place- instead of cutting her lose I turned her into my protégé, and made her into the best damn assistant a person could ask for- and I'm not the only one to say so. In fact, in some ways she has surpassed me, which is of course the greatest satisfaction any teacher could ask for.

In the last few years, our relationship has gone way deeper than what I enjoy with most of my co-workers; and this is in a business that by its very nature breeds close bonds. I can only describe it as fierce- I love her fiercely, I would do anything she asked, defend her to my last breath; and I have no doubt that she would do the same for me. I cannot begin to imagine how much I will miss her.

I put out a call a few days ago for pictures, to make a collage to give her to remember us by. Turtalia came over today and helped me put it all together. I came out great... I can't wait to see the look on her face.

Posted in Social Life

I Should Be Sleeping...
April 27, 2005 | permalink

...but instead I will regale you with tales of my whirlwind weekend of travel. Another one of my eleven siblings got married last weekend, so I journeyed to exotic Fresno, CA to take part in the festivities. And let me tell you, there were festivities.

The flight out was pretty uneventful, except that I left JFK before the sun came up. That hurt. By the time I got to Fresno I was feeling dehydrated, jet-lagged, and generally bad. And it was only 12:30 in the afternoon, local time. My brother The Wrestler picked me up and took me back to his place- they had just bought their first house, and let me tell you, I was blown away. It was nice and spacious inside, as you might expect for a small city in California, but the yard was something else. Orange trees and a little fountain, a nice little flagstone patio- I tell you, I don't think I'd ever go inside. I confess to being a little jealous. But who wouldn't be?

Anyway, that night all of the people in from out of town came over for dinner and drinks. I had never met the bride's parents before, or most of the wedding party for that matter- what a great group. Everybody was happy and smiling and just having a ball. I lost ten bucks at poker to one of the groomsmen after the party mostly broke up. I was promised a chance to win it back, but that never seemed to happen. Hmmmm....

The day of the wedding I stayed around the house and helped out where I could, though The Wrestler had so many groomsmen who were so on top of everything that there really wasn't much for me to do, except take pictures of the boys getting ready. They were wearing kilts, so this was a lot more amusing than you might think. Lucky for them, the Scottish Uncles were there to help. Otherwise I'm not sure they would have gotten together in time.

The ceremony was beautiful; also, it was long enough to feel like the momentous occasion that it was, and yet short enough to not feel like you were never getting out of church. The reception followed right after, at the DD Ranch. This place was awesome! It's themed like an old western town- saloons, a general store, a sheriff's office, even a jail. The DJ was set up in a barn, and most of the buildings were open and had displays and memorabilia inside to look at.

The DJ got going and the we all got our drink on and hit the dance floor. He started us off with 'Footloose' and took us through all of the great dancing favorites... Michael Jackson, Kool and the Gang, Madonna- you know what I'm talkin' about. We had a shuttle bus, so there were no designated drivers... even my mom got wasted. What a riot!

Posted in Family Matters & Out of Town

Bringing Up Bear
April 21, 2005 | permalink

I've spent a lot of time and energy in the past avoiding any kind of ties or connection to people or places. When friends reminisce about hanging out in the old neighborhood or grade school chums with whom they have become lifelong pals, I smile and nod like I know what they are talking about. But really, I have no such experiences. I don't think I had anything like a close friend until I was in my twenties. I've actually forgotten a great deal of my childhood- working so hard to avoid any kind of bond, coupled with the instability of my household, taught me to live in a moment-to-moment kind of mindset. The past didn't matter, because I couldn't count on anything that had been true yesterday to be true tomorrow. The future didn't matter, because any plans I made or things I hoped for were sure to get swept aside by circumstance out of my control. All that was left was the moment I was in. While this worked very well at the time to help keep me sane, it has outlived it's usefulness; I'm sure you can imagine all kinds of problems that this mindset might cause.

This is, I feel, one of my big stumbling blocks. It tends to make me ignore the cause and effect of my actions- I can come off as careless with other people's feelings. And if I put something aside to get to later, it is very difficult for me to get back to it- out of sight, out of mind... It's a big pain in the ass, and I will be glad when I get it licked.

Posted in Growing Up & Musings & The Past

Can I Just Whine for a Minute?
April 13, 2005 | permalink

And I do mean whine- this is all my own doing, so I have no real right to complain. But I'm going to anyway, so y'all will just have to deal.

As you know if you've been reading, I have been very serious about treating my depression over the last six months. This, of course, has been a problem for a long time- I am not anywhere near done, but I am making some pretty solid progress. One of the things that I find myself dealing with now is the conflict between old patterns, behaviors, and events that I set in motion in the past, and the newer, better patterns and behaviors that I am trying to implement. Talk about banging your head against a wall...

I'm leaving for Charleston in two weeks. I'll be there for two months, working at the Spoleto Festival. This will be the eighth time in nine years. I agreed to go months ago- the contract is signed, the plane tickets bought, all that jazz. The problem is that I no longer have any interest in going.

When I first started going to the Festival, it was fun and exciting; I was at the top of my game and kicking ass. The money was better than I could get here during the summer, and the people I was working with were fantastic. Over time, though, most of that slowly stopped being true. I moved up in my field- the money is no longer better, and for the most part the job is no longer challenging, and so not nearly as fun. The people are still great, but now that I have been doing it for almost a decade I have very few peers there. And so it turned out that a lot of the reason I continued to go is that it provided me an escape from my 'regular' life, in which I was deeply unhappy. But now...

That's no longer the case. I have spent these last many months making my apartment my home, instead of just the place I slept in. I have made a lot of progress re-connecting with my family and friends, and even formed some new friendships that I am really excited about. I've been taking photographs and being more disciplined about my finances and my music. Things with The Girl are going well- so far it's the healthiest romantic relationship with a woman that I have ever had- and I'm afraid that leaving at this point for the length of time that I'll be gone is going to be the end of that.

I just feel like I am starting to actually live my life again, as opposed to just existing; and I have to leave it right when things are getting interesting.

I told you I was going to whine.

Posted in Out of Town & Working

If That's What I Wanted, That's What I Would've Asked For
April 12, 2005 | permalink

I've been trying to sublet my place while I am out of town for the summer. No one I actually know needs a place, so I've been posting ads on Craigslist. It worked out pretty well for me last summer, so I figured it would work out well this time. And it has- I've got a few people who are genuinely interested coming to see the place this week. Hopefully by Friday I will have it all settled.

What's been driving me crazy is this: The vast majority of the responses are from people who want the place for dates other than those clearly specified in the ad. And I'm not talking about a week or so in one direction or the other- I mean really off. I'm looking for someone to take the place from May 1st to August 21st. I've had requests for May and June; mid-June to mid-July; the last three weeks of June only; April 15 (hello, I haven't even left town yet!) to June 15; and the kicker, August and September.

I just don't get it. Am I crazy here? I mean, if those were the dates that I needed housing for, I wouldn't respond to my ad. Is it just me?

Posted in The Home Front & WTF!?

I Don't Know Whether to Laugh or Cry
April 10, 2005 | permalink

I'm on the subway the other night, going home. I have my nose in a book and I am doing a pretty good job of ignoring everyone around me, until the conversation happening next to me breaks through my defenses. Standing next to me are a man and his college- age daughter. This is important- she is at least 18 years old. Dad is talking, and this is what I hear:

'...that's a mis-leading phrase. I hate it when people say that. Because rocket science really isn't that complicated. It's very straightforward. It's only when things go wrong that it gets hard. Brain surgery too.'

'I guess so.'

'No, really, it's true. Look at what happened to make the space shuttle crash when it was trying to land. It was this simple, stupid thing, not anything complicated. They're getting ready to launch another one, you know. I saw a piece on the news about one of the astronauts.'

'You mean people go up in that?'

Staggering, isn't it?

Posted in Around New York & People Are Dumb & Random

Playing is Way Better Than Working
April 6, 2005 | permalink

Spring is HERE, people. I'm a cold weather person by nature, but there is something really amazing about the first really spring-like days of the year; the trees budding, the flowers shooting up, the sun reflecting off of the cars and the glass in the windows, dancing across the sidewalk. It's like magic.

A friend and I met up this morning to go to the Totems to Turquoise exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. It was not what I expected, or maybe not what I hoped is a better phrase. I wanted it to be about the history and symbolism of the totems and fetishes of the Northwestern and Southwestern Native peoples- the Inuit, the Hopi, the Navajo. It touched on this, but mostly it was showing the work of contemporary Native artists, and the way they are adapting and re-interpreting the artistic traditions of their people. Don't get me wrong, it was really cool- just not what I was hoping to see.

Afterward, we grabbed some lunch and took advantage of the gorgeous day by walking through the park. As we passed the lake, I saw the boats were out and suggested that we get one and take a little spin in the water. Turns out she had never been in a rowboat, so that cinched it. We spent an hour or so on the water, rowing and drifting in the breeze by turns. The ducks were foraging and the turtles (DOZENS of them, Turtalia! From four inches across to a twenty inch monster...) were sunning themselves on the rocks. It was quite a lovely afternoon.

Posted in Around New York

*hic* Kill Me *hic* Kill Me *hic*
April 6, 2005 | permalink

*hic* Kill Me *hic* Kill Me *hic*
Wednesday, April 6, 2005 11:38 pm

I know that I have mentioned it here before, but GOOD GOD corporate meetings and press conferences are boring. I've been working on such an event- a large supermarket chain is launching a new ad and image/branding campaign, and they had their big kick off in a very prominent financial building downtown. The CEO and a couple of VP's got up and spoke, and used phrases like confronting the new shopping landscape, our pipeline is full of strategic consumer focus, and we have updated and contemporized our type-font. Just shoot me with a tranquilizer gun, why don't you? I mean, I designed this site- I know that something small, like one shade of a color over another or your typeface can make a big difference. But I think that you can express this idea in a way that doesn't make a person want to gnaw their arm off from sheer boredom.

The other thing about this gig that drove me nuts was that we weren't allowed to do any work while the building's CEO was there. Now, I'm not talking about in the room, or on the floor even... we couldn't do anything while he was anywhere in the building. What the fuck? Does he not know that people still work for a living? Is seeing the dirty stagehands going to affect his ability to be a CEO? You would think he would want to see work happening and thus know that his money was being well spent.

I never understood that crap.

Posted in Working

Yeah, Like I Said Last Time
April 3, 2005 | permalink

I leave for Charleston, and seven weeks of what can only be described as commando theatre at the Spoleto Festival in just under four weeks. I have a ridiculous amount of things to do before I go- loose ends to tie up, taxes to do, projects in progress to hand off to associates, and finding a sub-letter top the list. (Anybody want a sublet in Manhattan for a few months?) But despite these and other pressing matters, I have been dragging my feet. Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Well, I've been asking myself the same question for weeks; last night I realized the answer. (What can I say- I'm slow on the uptake...)

My ex-wife saw my traveling for work as a slap in the face, a sign that I didn't love her enough to want to stay around her. Never mind that we spoke every day, or that I asked her to come with me... and never mind the practical aspect- it's good money, better than what I could make in the city in that time of year. This turned into a huge issue, as you can well imagine. I realized last night that I still feel guilty about traveling, even after all this time. Which really sucks- I used to enjoy going to Charleston immensely. Now I feel like all of the enjoyment is sucked out of it. And believe me, between the long hours, challenging conditions, and shortage of personnel that the Festival imposes, if you're not enjoying the job it can be hell.

So, what to do? If it was further off, I might not go this year, and find something to do here. But it's way too late for that; my bosses at the Festival has been very good to me, and I can't leave them in a lurch. I'm hoping that seeing clearly why I am apathetic about going will help me get over it.

Posted in Musings & The Past & Working

I Swear I am My Own Worst Enemy
April 1, 2005 | permalink

Though I suppose, on further reflection, that is probably true for almost everyone. The era of epic struggles against one's arch-nemesis seems, sadly, to be long over. And without an external struggle, the human brain (which I firmly believe is hardwired for conflict) has no choice to turn on itself. Which is a drag- I mean, isn't that a hopeless struggle? How can you defeat yourself? You know all your tricks, all your moves, all your little quips... you're doomed!

What I mean is, self-sabotage seems to be a fairly common theme in a lot of people's lives. I know I do it. But why? What purpose does it serve? It must fulfill some need, some function. Is it as simple as there is nothing else going on to stimulate the 'conflict center' of the brain? Or is it something deeper than that? An expression of self-doubt, maybe. Or the manifestation of the things you don't like about yourself... kind of like your very own arch-rival in your head.

What are your thoughts, Gentle Readers? Am I the only one who is his own worst enemy?

Posted in Musings