Small Calamities

Your Calamities

I'm Still Living With Your Ghost
August 27, 2005 | permalink

Lately I've found myself thinking about my ex-wife. Not that I never think about her- we did spend ten years together, nearly a third of my life. But it's been a lot more than usual. I suppose partly this is because of my Grandmother's recent death; loss tends to resonate with loss. At least in my head it does.

It seems to me that everywhere I go, everything I do since I've been back in the city is somewhere we went, something we did together. It's not a particularly warm and fuzzy experience. I miss her, and part of me still wishes there was some way to reconsile; at the same time I despise myself for thinking that way. She betrayed me in every way a wife could betray her husband; and yet I still miss her, I miss what we had when it was good. The tug of war in my head between those extremes, still strong after years of seperation and divorce, makes me wonder sometimes what the future holds, relationship-wise. I've been with other women. I've been in love, even. But there is always a reservation on my part, a holding back that has ultimately led to the demise of every relationship. What happened between me and my wife broke me, and I fear to fully open up to anyone; I wonder sometimes if it will ever be right.

My brother told me once that I would never get over it, but that I could learn to live with it. I didn't believe him at the time, I thought that I could get over anything. I mean, one thing a fucked up upbringing is good for is to teach you to adapt and overcome, right? But I think now that he was right- I will never get over it. If he was right about that, then maybe he was right about the other, and I will find a way to live with it that isn't like poison. Maybe that's part of what's going on in my head right now. I hope so. Because this is getting old.