Small Calamities

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Your Calamities

Wocka Wocka Wocka
September 26, 2005 | permalink

So, for the last week or so, I've been moody, surly, depressed and generally avoiding people. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and some self examination, and taking stock of this life I am living. A lot of things have become clear to me in the last couple of weeks, and while I am not too happy about all of them, I reminded myself (again) today that this, after all, was the point of all of the work I have been doing with myself; dragging the crap that's bogging me down out into the light. And seeing some real success in that venture, as unpleasant as some of it is, gives me no small sense of satisfaction.

The pecularities of my upbringing and personality have combined, as I was saying earlier, to make me a task oriented machine, seeking approval from whoever it is that set me at the task. This is very clear to me now, but for a long time it was shrouded in mystery... I couldn't figure out why I was happiest when I was working (maybe because the goals at work are very clear) or why when I didn't have anything I had to do or anywhere I had to be I had so much trouble motivating myself to get anything done. We were not encouraged, as children, to take initiative on things, or go off on our own; my father was too paranoid for that. Everything thing that he could control, he did. And self motivation just kind of fell by the wayside. It's really kind of a bizarre sensation... I mean, I don't think that I am a lazy person; it's like something gets turned off in my head. Standing by... standing by... standing by...

I talked to one of my sisters about this today... she said that she has the same problem with free time that I do... that she kind of dreads the weekends a little under the best circumstances, and when it's particularly bad she actually looks forward to getting up for work on Monday morning, because it's something that she has to do. I was very comforted to learn that I was not so crazy, that I was not the only one to have this particular problem.

It drove my ex-wife crazy. She said sometimes she felt like she had to take care of everything, because I wouldn't. I remember one exchange where she was pissed because I hadn't done something or other... I don't remember what. I couldn't understand why she was so mad. I told her all she had to do was ask, and she responded that she shouldn't have to. Looking at it now, I see how and why I drove her so crazy; at the time, though, I was totally clueless. Not a very flattering portrait, is it?

Posted in Family Matters & Growing Up & Musings
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