Small Calamities

Your Calamities

On The A Train Incident
November 26, 2005 | permalink

I was on the subway last night, on my way home from a gig. Yesterday was the first technical rehearsal, and also the first day that the designer was in the space (up until then his assistant had been making all of the decisions). It was a long, frustrating day, and I was feeling a little dejected when I finally left.

I sat there on the train, trying to unwind (it was late enough that the train wasn't packed), shuffling through the music on my iPod, just letting my mind drift. And then...

This great bubble of crap burst out from wherever I had been hiding it, and hit me like a freight train. I'm glad I was almost home, because I was a mess. I sat there, tears running down my face, on the edge of outright bawling, the most terrible thoughts racing though my head.

I had been absent mindedly staring into the back of my iPod, looking at my own reflection. The most incredible feeling of self loathing welled up in me. And while it was bad enough to be sitting there feeling like the worst person on the face of the planet, what came next was the real killer.

If you were worth a damn, she would have stayed.

Somewhere underneath this little crisis I was having there on the A train, I could barely believe that I had heard myself right. I was stunned. The sensation was physical, like a sledgehammer to the chest. I literally couldn't breathe.

If you were worth a damn, she would have stayed.

I was completely undone. I put my face in my hands and wept. I nearly missed my stop, and was so overwhelmed that I staggered the few blocks home like a drunk. I crawled into bed and eventually slept, though I had dreams filled with longing and loneliness all night.