In Which I Can't Let Go
December 21, 2005 | permalink

I've been trying to write about my trip to my Father's, or the NYC Transit Strike, or the Sagittarian Birthday Bash that we had last night, but I can't. I am still reeling and completely undone by finding the photo of my ex-wife on the internet.

I find myself going back in my mind, questioning every detail of our time together. What else was going on? What else don't I know about? It's horrible. I feel like that whole decade of my life has been cast in a different light, and cheapened somehow.

In some ways, I feel like it's karmic retribution. I can say in all honesty that I was the best husband that I could be; but my behavior in subsequent relationships leaves something to be desired. I could make all kinds of excuses, but the truth is I was a selfish cad on more than one occasion... so maybe in some way I deserve this.

I talked to a couple of my friends about this... One said it sounded like she was more troubled than he or I ever realized and that I was better off, and shouldn't lose all faith in humanity. Another just said, 'Man, that bitch is crazy.'

There was an incident, right around the time this photo must have been taken. H came home and said that she had somehow gotten chlamydia. She accused me of sleeping around; I wasn't, and said so, gearing up for what I was sure would be a long and heated conversation. then she backed down, and told me that the doc had said that this actually was one of those things that you could get from a toilet seat, and that that was what must have happened. I remember being a little surprised at how quickly she let it go; she tended to be a bit suspicious. Anyway, I took her at her word, we took the meds, and I forgot all about it. Now I feel like a fucking idiot.

Posted in Musings & The Past & WTF!? & Women
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