It Keeps Pulling Me Back In
January 8, 2006 | permalink
When I woke up this morning, I remembered that it was the anniversary of my wedding day. I mean, I knew that it was coming, but for obvious reasons I was trying not to dwell on it. And I lost track of the days, not really having any kind of set scedule this week, and I was doing a pretty good job of not dwelling on it. Until this morning. That's when I woke up, and remembered that today is the anniversary of my wedding day.
If you had asked me a few weeks ago, I would have told you that I was getting to a good place, mostly, with this. I'd been working very hard on the crap in my head, both from the divorce and from my upbringing (which of course exacerbated the problems in my marriage). I felt like I was making progress.
Let me tell you, Gentle Readers, that's all out the window. I don't know what I think or feel anymore. I spent a long time avoiding the subject of my marriage, in both word and thought; it was just too painful for me. But I had been getting to a place where I could think about the good times we had, without them being colored by how terrible things were at the end. Where I could tell stories about things that we had done together without feeling all fucked up that it was over. I was able to truly take the good and be glad that I had had so much happiness, and leave the bad behind. Now, though, I've lost the distinction. I feel like the whole ten years is just one big elaborate hoax, and I was the hoaxee. I feel adrift, like I've lost my way, my point of reference.
If one can be fooled that completely by the person that you think you know best (or, conversely, if one can fool themselves so completely to avoid the truth), then what chance is there, really, to know someone, to love someone? I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
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