Small Calamities

Your Calamities

The Golden Throne?
June 11, 2006 | permalink

So, my toilet seat broke yesterday. The ring snapped when I sat down, right across the center. It was a terribly uncomfortable moment, and if I didn't live alone someone would have surely called through the door to ask me what on earth had made me yelp like that. But that's not the point of my story...

Naturally, this was something that I wanted to replace sooner rather than later, so after I got dressed I hit the neighborhood housewares stores. How hard could it be, I thought, to find a plain old white toilet seat?

Gentle Readers, I had no idea. None of the shops had what I was looking for, which really surprised me. What surprised me even more was the staggering variety and complexity of modern toilet seat design. And when I say variety and complexity, I mean unbeleiveable gaudiness. There were airbrushed seascapes and embroidered Betty Boops. There were clear acrylic seats with seashells embedded in them, with fishing lures, with pressed flowers. Toilet seats with sparkles. It was astounding.

What really took the cake, as far as I was concerned, was the toilet seat with the money in it. That's right; money. Clear acrylic with nickels, dimes, and quarters embedded around the ring and in the cover. Is it supposed to be like those good fortune candles? Every time you use the toilet you increase your chances of coming into wealth? What is the appeal? Who buys this stuff?