Small Calamities

Your Calamities

The Eighth Day of the Gregorian Calendar
January 8, 2007 | permalink

Today would be the Eighth Anniversary of my wedding, were I still married. It also marks the point at which we have been separated / divorced exceeds the time that we were married (though we were together for 6 years before that, so our time apart still falls far short of the time we spent together). In years past, I have loathed the arrival of this day, eying it on the calendar as it approached with increasing dread.

This year, I am happy to report that this did not happen. There was no needless dread, no feeling of looming doom that has been weighing me down. Which I take as a very good thing- no one wants to be eaten at forever, and I have worked very hard to move on with my life. But now that the day is here, Gentle Readers, I admit I am sad. Not devastatingly depressed, not unbearably miserable (though I have been there, of course)... just sad.

My wedding day was, and remains, one of the happiest days of my life. Thinking about never fails to make me smile a little, and I miss her, despite everything. part of me doesn't want to- the small, mean part of me looks back at the things that happened between us and wishes that I could put all vestige of her out of my head; all the memories, all the sadness, all the pain, everything. Just cut it all out and never look back.

But the better part of me knows that if I did that, all of the good things would have to go as well, and that is not something I want. Happiness like that should not be cast aside- it is too long and far between to just throw away. And knowing love like that, well, it means I know what I am looking for. It took me a while, but I realize that no matter how it ended, I am lucky to have known it at all. So while I am sad today, for happiness lost, I do realize and am thankful that I had the opportunity to have that happiness in the first place. Not everybody gets there, and at the end of the day, even this day, I am glad that I did.