March 2007 Archives

Wherever I May Roam
March 28, 2007 | permalink

I went to Los Angeles yesterday. And when I say yesterday, I mean that literally; I arrived at LAX at 1am Tuesday morning, and was on my way back to New York by 10pm Tuesday night. Not the most relaxing day I have ever had, with a day-long string of meetings and site surveys sandwiched between the flights, but it was productive, which was the point, after all.

I've never been to LA before, and I was struck most by the vast amount of open space. There was so much open air! I'll be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable, though I'm not sure why... I spent most of my youth in more or less rural areas, and love being outside; hiking, camping, campfire cooking- these are some of my all time favorite things. I have never felt the way LA and it's environs made me feel.

It might have been that so much is hidden. What I mean is, there are millions of people there, and yet there seemed to be nothing besides eight lane highways and open sky. There didn't seem to be nearly enough structures to support all the people that I know must be there. I guess I just wanted to know where everyone was. I know enough about myself and the paranoid way I was raised to know that I like to know what is going on around me- I guess all that open space combined with all those unseen people made me a little edgy. At least, that's the theory I'm going with at the moment, though I will happily entertain other ideas, if you have any. I will get another chance to figure it out, though; I will be back for a week when in May when it comes time to put the show on...

Posted in Out of Town & Working


Regular People
March 25, 2007 | permalink

Gentle Readers, I just did an event that I can't tell you about, for someone I cannot name, at a magnificent place I shouldn't specify, with a guest list that I am not supposed to even think about, let alone allude to in print. But what I will tell you is this: Even people that throw multi-million dollar parties, with hundreds of rich, famous, and powerful guests, get up on the dance floor after dessert and coffee and shake it to the same DJ playlist that you do at every family wedding. Kool and the Gang, (old) Michael Jackson, Aretha Franklin... you know what I'm talking about.

You could take the view that the rich and famous are just regular people, like us. Or maybe we are all just classier than we thought...

Posted in Working
(3) Comments

All at Once
March 17, 2007 | permalink

My office job is making me fat, Gentle Readers.

Or, I suppose more accurately, eating like I ate when I was doing a lot more physical activity (and counting on the job to provide me with the physical activity I needed even though it no longer does so) is making me fat. At least, it's making me feel fat, which really amounts to the same thing. I don't want to stop eating, so I've started running.

It hurts, and I hate it. After an embarrassingly short distance I feel like I am going to die, gasping for breath, heart pounding, the stitch in my side feeling like somebody hit me with a pipe. It's awesome. And I don't mean that in a sarcastic way- I realize I've been craving something like this, and even after the very first run (which wrecked me) I felt great about what I was doing. And because it's hard, it appeals to my stubborn nature and helps me to be motivated. See, if it was easy, it wouldn't matter much to me if I did it or not- but because it's difficult, I'd feel too much like I was wussing out if I let myself quit for no good reason.

Nothing like using yourself against yourself to get something done, eh?

Posted in The Home Front
(2) Comments

A Little Help
March 15, 2007 | permalink

You may or may not have noticed that a great deal of my site was broken for the last couple of days. I finally figured it out, and it was the damnedest thing: my server stopped processing my php includes correctly. Which is bizarre, as I haven't messed with the mechanics of the site in a long time. I have no idea what precipitated the problem, but changing the extension of the 'included' files from .inc to .php (and changing all of the scripts that called them, of course) seems to have done the trick.

I was hoping, Gentle Readers, that if you noticed else anything broken you would let me know.

Posted in Miniblog
(0) Comments

hot chicks with douchebags
March 14, 2007 | permalink

This made me laugh a lot: Hot Chicks with Douchebags. Via Moderately Soapbox.

Posted in Miniblog
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It Wasn't a Pretty Picture
March 12, 2007 | permalink

One of the things that I constantly have trouble with is maintaining a fair and accurate picture of myself in my own head. Even in my heart of hearts, when it's just me and no one else, I tend to over-emphasize my faults and weaknesses and under-emphasize my my good qualities and strengths. In some ways, I suppose, this could be seen as somewhat positive; I do strive harder to overcome what I perceive as the meaner parts of my nature than I might otherwise, since they seem exaggerated to me. But that is small benefit, I think, and overall I would rather have a more balanced view of myself.

Some friends of mine were recently on vacation, and in the middle of the week I got a 'Missing You!' camera phone postcard from them. I am a little ashamed to admit that I was actually surprised to get it, surprised that I was in their thoughts. Which, let me clear, is not at all a reflection on the people in question- I think the world of them, and I know in my head that the feeling is reciprocated. But in my heart, well... I was surprised. And thrilled. And then sad that I was surprised that the people that love me would be thinking of me.

*sigh*

I wonder if anyone truly sees themselves clearly, though. Other people judge us by our actions, and if we are decent people and try to do right, then it follows that they will see us in a good and positive light. But when it comes to ourselves, we are bound to not only judge ourselves by our actions, but by the thoughts and fears and temptations that shape them as well. Only we know how close we come to not doing what we should. But perhaps that is the point- to help us to be better. The Greeks believed that the gods set obstacles in paths of mortals not to toy with them or torment them, but so that men might come to understand the choices they make, and know themselves in the process.

Not an altogether bad way to look at things, I suppose...

Posted in Musings
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The 300
March 12, 2007 | permalink

Like about a gazillion other people, I saw 300 this weekend; and like just about everyone else, I loved it. Action, adventure, sex, betrayal- really, what else do you need? How about fight choreography elevated to the fluidity of a ballet? Check. A rousing story of few against many, with the fate of the world at stake? Check. It's good, Gentle Readers, very good indeed.

Posted in Miniblog
(0) Comments

High Centurions
March 9, 2007 | permalink

I set up a birthday party yesterday. I can't say who it was for, but for our purposes here let's just call the guest of honor the Prodigal Daughter, and say that her mother, who threw the party, is someone very wealthy and famous, and let it go at that. And let's just say that it must be nice, being wealthy and famous; no one ever threw me a party like that.

Picture lots of low couches and tables, the couches upholstered in red and orange and gold damask, covered in over-sized pillows of the same stuff. The tables were inlaid with exotic wood and mother of pearl, or else had ornately carved wooden legs with beaten brass tops, and silk banners hung from the rafters dividing the loft into a half dozen semi-contained areas. Candles, of course, covered the tables, and more flowers than you would see in an average New York florist's shop were artfully arranged in five foot vases. The lighting (which is what we were there to do, of course) was dim and golden and mottled, rounding out the ambiance of opulence. Think opium den chic, and you have it spot on.

There was food, of course, and what must have been a $500 cake, and I'm sure it goes without saying that there was a fully stocked, four-sided bar in the center of the room- an open bar, mind you. Not to mention the $1000 tins of caviar at the vodka stations, which were carved from blocks of ice.

It got me thinking about my own birthday. I'll be thirty five later this year; if any of you want to contribute to my Birthday Fund so that I can have a properly extravagant party, well, I promise to put your funds to good use.

Posted in Musings & Working
(2) Comments

The Old Account
March 6, 2007 | permalink

I've had a couple of conversations with my Ex-Wife in the last week or so. The first one (which was initiated because of a financial matter) was really exhausting. It lasted about 40 minutes or so, and the first half was pretty much a quick re-cap of all the terrible things we did to each other. After that, though, with some of the tension relieved, it was a lot more civil and in some ways even a little nice. For a long time she was my closest friend, and I guess some remnant of that is always there. I'm not saying it was all roses and giggles, of course; far from it. But there was something... comfortable, maybe, is the right word; but then again that's not quite right... but talking to her, in a real conversation and not just a barrage of acrimonious accusations was, well, it was alright. Which is better than I thought it would be.

The second was this morning, for about ten minutes. Civil the whole time, and even more of the strange sensation of familiarity and comfort overlaid with tension and mistrust. A weird, confusing combination. This conversation was mostly about that. We haven't spoken at all in well over a year, and we haven't had a civil conversation (let alone two!) since I can't tell you when.

I don't claim to have been the perfect husband. I think anyone I have been involved with can tell you that I am overly reserved with my feelings and emotions and give an impression of indifference. And after she left, and I found out about Whats-His-Face, I was so angry and hurt, I could hardly stand it. I froze her out, eventually, rather than deal with it. Which, no matter how angry I was, was shitty; I'm not proud of how I behaved, no matter the provocation.

I don't know where I was going, Gentle Readers; I lost my train of thought. Which, I suppose, sums it up. The whole thing has been weirdly unsettling and confusing. I don't want to be with her, or indeed, even meet up for coffee... but the past is all stirred up, runnign around in my head and part of me, despite all the betrayal, actually misses her, which I find simultaneously completely understandable and completely galling.

*sigh*

I don't know how it could be any different, though, really. I'm beginning to believe that no one ever truly leaves, that once the threads of people's lives are woven together they never truly unravel completely, and the colors and patterns that they introduce stay with you, in some fashion at least, until the end. So you had better figure out a way to incorporate them and live with it.

Posted in Musings & The Past & Women
(3) Comments

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