Small Calamities

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Tiny Little Fractures
June 23, 2008 | permalink

You see the bear charm in that picture? It was the first external element of my bearish persona to come to me, and up until a couple of weeks ago, I had worn it around my neck nearly continuously since 1993. In fact, I can only recall two occasions on which I removed for a period of time longer than that which was required to put it on a new string.

It is no secret that I feel a great affinity for the bear, and it shouldn't surprise you that I hold the bear as my totem and spirit guide, and that I regarded the necklace as a token and symbol of that relationship. When I saw it for the first time, I was unaware of this facet of myself; yet (as corny as this may sound) when I saw it, it really spoke to me, resonating in a way that would take me years to properly understand and put into words. But even if I didn't understand it at first, it nonetheless had a powerful effect on me, and I have had it as a touchstone and reminder of things greater than myself throughout my adult life, through many joys and many trials.

I found it while randomly browsing the wares for offer at a sale some group or other was sponsoring in the Campus Center. They had brought in a bunch of vendors to raise money. You know the type well enough- army surplus, rainbow hackey-sacks, cheap jewelry, black lite posters- the mainstays of college life in the early 90s. I am sure you remember it well. I passed it by at first; I didn't understand or really want to acknowledge the incredibly strong pull I felt towards it. I drifted by the table two or three more times before moving on with my day. However, I just couldn't let it go. My thoughts kept drifting back to it, and at the end of the day I went back to get it.

Only to find it gone.

Let me tell you, Gentle Readers, I was crushed, and I cursed myself for being such an idiot as to pass it by in the first place. Luckily for me, I had been browsing with a friend, who not only noticed my fascination with the bear charm, but bought it for me after I left. It was presented to me the next day, after I relayed how much of an idiot I felt like for letting it go. (It was, I gathered, to have been a birthday present, but I was apparently so morose it was given to me on the spot...)

And, as I said, I have worn it ever since. Until I lost it a couple of weeks ago.

I noticed, in the middle of a load in, that the bit of wire that held the bear to the string had snapped sometime during the day. It was pretty much the perfect top off to what had been a supremely craptacular day, and while I tried to tell myself that I would find it, I knew the truth of it, and to say it bummed me out would be a very large understatement.

So, what is one to do, when one's totem goes missing? I thought about replacing it with as close a copy as possible, but that didn't sit right with me. I even have another bear necklace that was given to me as a gift. But, while I treasure it, it didn't seem like the right thing to do.

What I finally arrived at was that I could not try to replace the bear with another bear; instead, I decided to make myself a charm that would encompass a different aspect of the bear. Something that paid homage to my totem, but also reflected some of the ways that I have changed since that first bear charm came to me. So, I made myself a necklace with a bear claw as it's centerpoint.

It is very different from the last, and I am quite pleased with it.

Posted in Bad Luck & The Past
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