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Lay Down Your Weary Tune
February 25, 2008 | permalink

You're going to love this, Gentle Readers.

A few weeks ago, I got a text message from The Old Man. This, in and of itself, is not really anything of note. I get a lot of them from him (mostly after he has had a few too many daiquiris), and they are run of them mill text messages from a tipsy parent. Which probably isn't really all that run of the mill in and of itself, but that's another issue, for another time.

In any case, this one left me floored, mouth open, and incoherent. I present it here in its entirety, because I just don't know how I could possibly do it justice otherwise.

By a series of improbable coincidences a daughter I was unaware of and I have found each other. Her name is [redacted], 33 years old. We have grown very close over the last few months. I am adopting her, we truly love each other.

Let me repeat: this was a text message. My sisters The Rockette and The Star got the same one, as I nearly instantly learned, since there was much talking on the phone between the three of us. It became clear shortly that all of my siblings (wait, scratch that- all of The Old Man's children; I have siblings that are not his) got the same message.

Obviously, this is a large and complex issue, and we will be returning to it several times over the coming weeks, but here are the things that, at first gloss, really blew my mind...

a) Did I mention this news was delivered via text message?

b) [redacted] is 33. The Rockette is 32. Which means that Redacted's mother was already pregnant with her when my mother got pregnant with The Rockette.

c) Except for The Rockette, The Star, and myself, none of the other siblings had any problem with the fact that this news was delivered via text message.

d) Um... adopting? At 33? If The Old Man had any assets, I would be worried this was some kind of scam.

So, yeah. Wacky, right? This has been rippling around for a while- as I said, it was weeks ago. And I have lots more to say. But I think I will pause here and let all that sink in a little before I go on.

Posted in Family Matters & The Old Man & WTF!?
(2) Comments

The Golden Throne?
June 11, 2006 | permalink

So, my toilet seat broke yesterday. The ring snapped when I sat down, right across the center. It was a terribly uncomfortable moment, and if I didn't live alone someone would have surely called through the door to ask me what on earth had made me yelp like that. But that's not the point of my story...

Naturally, this was something that I wanted to replace sooner rather than later, so after I got dressed I hit the neighborhood housewares stores. How hard could it be, I thought, to find a plain old white toilet seat?

Gentle Readers, I had no idea. None of the shops had what I was looking for, which really surprised me. What surprised me even more was the staggering variety and complexity of modern toilet seat design. And when I say variety and complexity, I mean unbeleiveable gaudiness. There were airbrushed seascapes and embroidered Betty Boops. There were clear acrylic seats with seashells embedded in them, with fishing lures, with pressed flowers. Toilet seats with sparkles. It was astounding.

What really took the cake, as far as I was concerned, was the toilet seat with the money in it. That's right; money. Clear acrylic with nickels, dimes, and quarters embedded around the ring and in the cover. Is it supposed to be like those good fortune candles? Every time you use the toilet you increase your chances of coming into wealth? What is the appeal? Who buys this stuff?

Posted in Musings & The Home Front & WTF!?
(5) Comments

Where Were You When Humpty Dumpty Needed You?
May 24, 2006 | permalink

You want to know something that I truly abhor? Rules for rules sake. The blind following of a regulation regardless of whether or not it is applicable, and the refusal of the enforcer to be willing to engage in a discussion about the appropriateness of a given rule in a given situation. Rules and laws, untempered by knowledge and good judgement, are useless. Worse than useless; rules applied badly are worse than no rules at all.

If you are thinking to yourself, Gentle Readers, that something must have happened in the last week or so to spark this rant, well, you're right. I did an event last week. It was in one of the city's major transportation hubs, and they had a lot of rules. Which is fine, in and of itself; I'm not advocating chaos. I think that rules, appropriately and judiciously applied, are a very good thing. But this place was out of control. And the powers that be kept changing the rules on us, seemingly without rhyme or reason. The end result was that a job that should have taken a total of 35 hours over three days took 65 hours of the same three days. Yes, we were there 65 out of 72 hours; that is not a typo.

The worst part, to my mind, was that many of the rules were in place to ensure our safety. However, they weren't designed for our industry, but for general contractors. And while on the surface the two industries seem very similar, they are in fact very different. So many of the rules were only partially applicable, if at all, and actually gave rise to a more unsafe situation than if they weren't used at all. And the people enforcing them insisted on enforcing them blindly, because those were the rules. I was constantly in a position where I had to compel my crew to do things that were against our collective better judgement to satisfy some desk jockey's idea of safety.

An example- we were required to wear safety harnesses and be tied off with a lanyard if we were working above six feet. All well and good. I advocate harnesses for my crew when it is appropriate. Not when my guy eight feet off the ground, working on a free standing lighting boom, has only two choices as to what to tie in to- the boom, or the ladder. Either of which he would have pulled down on top of himself should he have the misfortune of falling. How is that better? Can anyone tell me?

Posted in Musings & WTF!? & Working
(2) Comments

We Salute You
May 9, 2006 | permalink

Yesterday, my cell phone service got shut off. I tried to make a call, only to be told by a recording that I owed more than $350 and that my service had been suspended until I paid up. Which is all very reasonable, except for the part where I don't actually owe them any money, as I have been paying my bill on time every month.

I use the online banking, and love the automatic bill paying. For things like my cell phone bill that are the same every month, I honestly don't even open the bills any more. So I hung up on the recording and called the bank on a borrowed phone. The very nice lady on the other end of the phone confirmed for me that yes indeed, those payments have been made as per the payment schedule I set up over a year ago. So armed, I called my cell company back.

Once I got to a person, I explained that my service had been cut off for non-payment, but that I had, in fact, been paying, and that I would like my service restored. I was told that my service would only be restored after I had paid the past due amount. I explained again that I had been paying, and that money had left my bank account on schedule over the last several months. I was told again that service would only be restored after I paid my past due balance. For a third time, and with considerably less patience, I explained that there shouldn't be a past due balance, I had been paying; If you don't have my money, I asked, then where did it go?

Please hold.

So I held, and someone else came on the line after about fifteen minutes. They introduced themselves and proceded to explain to me like I was an idiot that it took time for payments to clear and be posted, and if I just sent in the payment it might take a day or two to be reflected on my account. So I had to explain again that money had apparently been leaving my bank account for months and was not being posted to my account, and that they needed to help me find my money and restore the service that I was paying for.

Please hold.

I was on hold for twenty more minutes, and then I got disconnected. But remarkably my service was back on. I guess they had found my money after all.

What the fuck was going on that they had my money and it wasn't being credited to my account? Anyone?

Posted in Musings & WTF!?
(2) Comments

In Which I Can't Let Go
December 21, 2005 | permalink

I've been trying to write about my trip to my Father's, or the NYC Transit Strike, or the Sagittarian Birthday Bash that we had last night, but I can't. I am still reeling and completely undone by finding the photo of my ex-wife on the internet.

I find myself going back in my mind, questioning every detail of our time together. What else was going on? What else don't I know about? It's horrible. I feel like that whole decade of my life has been cast in a different light, and cheapened somehow.

In some ways, I feel like it's karmic retribution. I can say in all honesty that I was the best husband that I could be; but my behavior in subsequent relationships leaves something to be desired. I could make all kinds of excuses, but the truth is I was a selfish cad on more than one occasion... so maybe in some way I deserve this.

I talked to a couple of my friends about this... One said it sounded like she was more troubled than he or I ever realized and that I was better off, and shouldn't lose all faith in humanity. Another just said, 'Man, that bitch is crazy.'

There was an incident, right around the time this photo must have been taken. H came home and said that she had somehow gotten chlamydia. She accused me of sleeping around; I wasn't, and said so, gearing up for what I was sure would be a long and heated conversation. then she backed down, and told me that the doc had said that this actually was one of those things that you could get from a toilet seat, and that that was what must have happened. I remember being a little surprised at how quickly she let it go; she tended to be a bit suspicious. Anyway, I took her at her word, we took the meds, and I forgot all about it. Now I feel like a fucking idiot.

Posted in Musings & The Past & WTF!? & Women
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On the Bliss of Ignorance
December 18, 2005 | permalink

No picture with today's post, Gentle Readers, as it is a picture which is currently messing with my head. A futile gesture, perhaps, but I find the irony very poetic.

A while ago, a friend of mine sent me a purity test, wondering how my score might compare to hers. All in good fun, I dutifully took the test (and scored more pure, to both our surprise). Ever since I have gotten emails from one of those 'adult' dating sites about once a week. You know, the kind that is supposedly full of people who just want to have one night stands with you. I never got around to taking my name off of the list... just not annoyed enough, I guess.

Anyway, I get one today, and it comes up in the preview pane of Outlook, and one of the pictures of near nude women is that of my ex-wife. (You can't see her face, but even without the tattoo on her back that I designed for her clearly visible, I would have no doubt. I was with her for ten years; I know every inch of her.) It was taken in the apartment on the Upper West Side that we used to live in, in the bedroom. From the furniture and whatnot in the background, I would say it was taken the year before we were married, or maybe just after.

Gentle Readers, I did not take this picture. I have never seen this picture before. I can't help but think the worst. I know that she was with another man at the end of our marriage. And as terrible as that was, on one level it was understandable; we were miserable, and things were horrible. But this picture is from a time when I thought that things were good, and that we were happy. Now I think maybe I was just a fool. I feel sick.

Posted in The Past & WTF!? & Women
(0) Comments

We Hates Them, Precious... We Hates the Subletterers Forever
August 6, 2005 | permalink

The creature Gollum.

You know, there were some things that I expected to have happened when I got back to my apartment- Wait, let me back up...

Guess what? I'm back in my apartment (a whole 10 days early!), and I slept in my own bed last night... Ahhhh... How did this come to pass, you might ask? I delegated my very meager duties during the run of the show to my assistant. He got more hours, and I got to come home early. I have to go back for strike next weekend, but that is just for a couple of days and strike is fun anyway...

Back to the story at hand: I knew that the subletters had a dog. I expected there to be a lingering dog odor in the apartment, and I expected to have to sweep and mop a couple of times to get it back into shape. I expected that my plants would have been killed. I was reasonably sure that some cleaning of the fridge would be in order, and I figured that some stuff would have been moved around and I would have some re-arranging to do. Pretty par for the course, I would think.

I didn't expect the kitchen sink to look like the last thing they used it for was to give the dog a bath, and to have it full of damp, stinking dog hair that had since become a breeding ground for flies.

I didn't expect the trash can to be full, and to find that it had obviously been being used without trash bags (of which there was a box right next to it). I also didn't expect to find not one but two dead mice (in various stages of decay) at the bottom of the can. And I was certainly not expecting there to be a big cardboard box full of trash (and not all dry trash either) in my living room.

I was surprised that the dished looked like they had never recieved more than a rinsing... a lot of the stuff in the cabinet was downright dirty. Oh, and the kitchen had obviously been infested with mice (besides the dead ones); there were chewed open boxes and food and mouse shit all over the top of the fridge, the counter, and the floor.

On top of that, I was flabberghasted to find the afghans my grandmother made me when I was a boy covered in dog stink and hair and grit, having obviously been used as bedding for the dog. And downright stunned when I found the plastic bag full of my dish towels, soaking wet with dog urine, under my comfy chair.

Needless to say, I called and left a seething message outlining what, exactly, I had found and what I thought about it. But for some reason, they didn't call back. Hmmm... shocking.

Posted in WTF!?
(3) Comments

Down in the Mud
July 24, 2005 | permalink

You know, I usually don't talk about things outside my own head, being a self centered bastard and all, but this had me so outraged, I just had to say 'What the Fuck?!?!'

The idea that a man who fled the United States to avoid criminal charges can use the courts of another country, where he cannot go for fear of extradion, via fucking video link from yet a third country, makes me despair of the justice system. This man has fled from the courts- how can he, then, possibly be allowed to use them on his own behalf? It's like not paying your rent, and then suing the landlord when you get an eviction notice. Unbelieveable...

Posted in Musings & WTF!?
(0) Comments

If That's What I Wanted, That's What I Would've Asked For
April 12, 2005 | permalink

I've been trying to sublet my place while I am out of town for the summer. No one I actually know needs a place, so I've been posting ads on Craigslist. It worked out pretty well for me last summer, so I figured it would work out well this time. And it has- I've got a few people who are genuinely interested coming to see the place this week. Hopefully by Friday I will have it all settled.

What's been driving me crazy is this: The vast majority of the responses are from people who want the place for dates other than those clearly specified in the ad. And I'm not talking about a week or so in one direction or the other- I mean really off. I'm looking for someone to take the place from May 1st to August 21st. I've had requests for May and June; mid-June to mid-July; the last three weeks of June only; April 15 (hello, I haven't even left town yet!) to June 15; and the kicker, August and September.

I just don't get it. Am I crazy here? I mean, if those were the dates that I needed housing for, I wouldn't respond to my ad. Is it just me?

Posted in The Home Front & WTF!?


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